youre lurking in front of me
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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