I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
Randomize
