I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
