Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
of course. lets lasso hookers.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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