he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Randomize
