just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Randomize
