I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
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