Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
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