The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
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