Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
Randomize
