I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
