I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
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