I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
