Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
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