Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
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