Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
Randomize
