Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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