i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
Randomize
