I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
