The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Randomize
