thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Randomize
