Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
I didn't know that people actually queef. Is this a real thing?
I believe so, yes.
Would you be offended if I asked if it has happened to you?
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
