I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
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