Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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