So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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