She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Randomize
