I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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