eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
