I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
