My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
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