Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
