I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
i dont even know how to be here
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
