it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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