I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
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Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
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This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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