so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Randomize
