there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
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