my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
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