I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
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