i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
