You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
