____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
