How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Randomize
