Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
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