I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
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