I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
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I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
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I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
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