Your tits are I can't wait for
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
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