If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
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