wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
I must say, I don't like the act of throwing up, but the feeling after is quite delightful
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
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