Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
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I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
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I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
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