Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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