i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
