I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
