I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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