listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
I think god was stupid personally. The clit should be inside the vagina. Idiot.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
Randomize
