Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
I will be naked everywhere
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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