Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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